Neverending

Been sitting with my darkness lately; the pain, the sorrow, the grief. I’m realizing none of it ever goes away. I actively choose to be content with the cards I’ve been dealt but it still catches up to me. With every new challenge, change or inability I experience, I subconsciously mourn my reality until suddenly I find myself sobbing uncontrollably. Confused by my own sudden outburst, I quickly recognize it’s my spirit forcing me to confront my fears and pain—and guilt. How can I feel guilty when I’m grateful to still be here? I can’t help but feel the inevitable struggle between gratitude and the will to keep going. How do I make room for these two conflicts to coexist in harmony within myself? It’s a weird place to be in. 

I want to believe that feeling trapped is a perspective or mindset but I can only see the light for so long before it becomes too heavy. Most of the hardship I endure is external and it feels like I’m doing a life sentence in this body. It’s a vicious cycle but I’ve been here before, each time a little different. 

With practice, I’ve learned to be a witness to what needs to flow through and out. I’ve learned to appreciate mundane moments as miracles. I’ve learned that this too shall pass.