two moods
There are many times throughout the day when I’m frustrated with my body; it’s progressively not doing what I want it to do anymore and yet at the same time, I’m amazed by all its remaining capabilities. I try to keep optimistic but the cooperation between myself and the 3D is continuously challenging. Most days, I feel like my old self and for a brief moment, I forget about my arduous, exhausting reality but then I’m quickly reminded and humbled by the movements I make (or lack of), and that’s what’s frustrating—I still remember. I remember what it was like to move without fear. I remember not having a care in the world. I remember the freedom. Now, my external being no longer matches my intention and I feel trapped within my own skin. The grim reality is that we’re all going to get there someday, I just might be there a lot sooner than most.
In truth, I innately feel this separation within that I can’t seem to fully mesh together yet with my evolving present circumstance; I’m learning it’s because grieving isn’t linear nor final. I will probably always long for the body I used to know but this is my vessel now, and part of being human is embracing all sides and states of (disabled) living, including the unsettled complexities of it in the past, present, & future.
Though the beauty in surviving is our amazing ability to adapt and conquer, and yet my brain (or MD) won’t let me forget; our memories and feelings never fully dissolve, for better or for worse, so it takes a lot more effort to live life. Regardless, I think we all strive to live from moment to moment, and if we can all do this, we’ll always be alright. ♥️
Image description: POV looking down at Kae’s legs resting next to her cane.
Image description: A vintage style comic illustration of a woman holding two diamonds with rainbow beams shooting upwards with text overlaid. Left side reads: “grateful to be here” and the other, “what the actual fuck”.